Sex has been the reason many technologies were picked up by early adopters. Innovations such as the home VCR or the internet would never have spread so quickly without the promise of fulfilling our deviant desires.  That is why I had hoped this sex robot would start a boom in the home robot sector and  in turn lead me closer to my dream of a robot suit for my pet dolphin Admiral Tuna which would allow him to walk and talk.

My hopes were dashed. This sex robot is worthless to anyone who doesn’t have a fetish for frightened quadriplegics. Here is a photo of this so-called “Sex Robot”:

How fucking lame.  Literally lame.  It doesn’t move.  It has touch sensors and responds with audio clips talking about how awesome your frozen burrito smelling fingers feel on its rubber. I am going to vote that from now on anything we call a Robot needs the ability to move. I am so disappointed in the deviant sciences. Furby is more worthy of the title robot than this abomination.  In fact, that gives me an idea to work on.  Check back for an update on my Furby mod later.

I would link a video of the inventor explaining the robot, but it was too boring for me to watch so I doubt you want to see it.  It’s just a weird chubby dude touching a rubber doll that sort of resembles a dead human woman.

Fuck you, science.  You have wasted my time and dashed my hopes yet again.

Carson Jones – SHU-IZMZ Radio

If you want to listen to a crazy redneck who is obsessed with serial killers ramble for 2 hours, you can check out the full episode here or subscribe to SHU-IZMZ Radio on iTunes.

Enjoy.

Leigh Anne Touhy (Sandra Bullock): An sassy overbearing caricature of a southern mother who is right about everything and has a nice ass. Her ass is the only redeeming part of this movie, a point I know the director didn’t miss considering the lingering shots of her walking away at the end of nearly ever scene.  Even the poster is nothing but a showcase for her ass.

Sean Touhy (Tim McGraw): A supposedly go-getter dad with weird hair who never goes and gets anything unless his domineering wife tells him.  It’s funny comedy because she is a firecracker and he has given up on making his own decisions, instead he sits in bed and pretends to read while daydreaming about the sweet release of death.

Sean Jr AKA SJ (Some kid who I never want to see in a movie again):  Sassy 8-year-old who says things that only his parents and audience members who think they are his parent find cute.  The most annoying performance I have ever seen.  Every time this kid was on screen I felt like I was scraping my teeth across a chalk board.  At least the rest of his career will be a slow downward spiral into drugs and depression.

Collins (Some decent looking chick):  Basically just a prop in the background.  Maybe even more of a set dressing than a prop.  She has very little to do in the movie other than be the person that everyone insinuates the big black puppy is going to rape.

This good white Christian family finds a giant black puppy dog that looks like a person, but is not written as such.

When the movie starts the big puppy is living on the couch of Big Tony, the only positive African American character in the film. Because he is a positive character the director feels he has to demean him by having him say to the christian academy admissions people that he can pay because he has a good job as a mechanic across town, oh those silly blacks and what they think a good job is.  I actually heard a person behind me giggle when he said that.  Big Tony gets his son and Big Mike accepted into the academy. Soon after Tony’s wife, the first in a series of evil black women, kicks Big Mike out onto the streets.

Mike wanders around with a plastic shopping bag that has one shirt in it and steals popcorn for the next half hour or so.  He runs into another black woman in a laundromat who leers at him and runs away.  After this he continues walking around in the rain.  The Touhy’s see him walking around in the rain and realize they could make him a house slave and he could be the greatest donation they could ever give to Ole Miss as members of the booster club.  Unfortunately human donations are not tax deductible.

We are next treated to a cuntload of scenes about Mike not knowing how to live in a people house and being so grateful to white people, Leigh Anne traveling to scary black neighborhoods that share more in common with a Chappelle Show sketch than reality, and SJ making me want to shoot myself in the head while other audience members are lapping up his comedy stylings.  I’m not sure why they keep saying that the kid is just like his dad.  SJ seems nothing like a brow-beaten shell of a man who spends all day crying on the inside while his wife mocks him.  Instead he does things test-audiences deem adorable.  They even have the stock scene of SJ and Mike singing and dancing in the car, which inevitably ends with an accident where Big Mike somehow saves the kid from an airbag by sticking his arm out because he scored in the 98 percentile in protective instincts.  Oh yeah, there is that part.  On some test Mike the giant guard puppy scored as in the bottom 5% in every category except “Protective Instincts.”  Does this category really exist on some standardized test?  I would seriously like to know. I don’t know how you quantify that.

Mike sucks at football, then Leigh Anne tells him to pretend the players are his family and his protective instinct super power kicks in allowing him to be the greatest.  The coach and players watch her butt as she walks away.

Leigh Anne meets Mike’s mom, a crack head who doesn’t even know who his father was and doesn’t want to see him again.  She comforts the weak black woman because she is a powerful white christian.  She agrees to let them adopt her son.(I think, during this part I kept nodding off)

They convince Mike to go to Ole Miss as per their original plan.  The evil black lady at the NCAA convinces him that the family doesn’t love him and is just using him to improve their college football team because she is jealous about how white and christian they are.  Mike runs away and beats up a bunch of gangsters at a party because they were talking about raping white women.  Somehow he doesn’t get shot.  Leigh Anne goes up to the gangsters and intimidates them because she is 5′6″ of pure sassy with a generous helping of attitude.  She finds Mike again and convinces him that they aren’t using him to boost their favorite team.(they are using him to boost their favorite team)

He tells the evil black NCAA woman that his family loves him and he is going to go to the school where his family goes.

Finally the film ends with the only interesting part, the footage of Oher being drafted into the NFL and a montage of photos of the actual family and Big Mike.  This was seriously the only part of the movie that interested me, because it was actually real. It wasn’t a glossed over white christian fairy tail.

This film was a Lifetime Original Movie with a high budget.  It was what would happen if Dolly Parton had written and directed Crash, and I HATED Crash.  The fucking morons who watch this movie and claim that it is deep must have some major neck problems from attempting to dive into kiddie pools each summer.

I’m really glad I didn’t pay to see this steaming pile of angel shit.  I would have left early if I weren’t there with other people.  If you saw this movie and you liked it I feel sorry for you, but I know it’s not your fault.  You tested in the 98 percentile for enjoyment of bullshit glossed over semi-true stories.

Anyway, I heard something on the news about Aerosmith breaking up this week.  I didn’t know they were even still around in a post 9/11 world.  The last gem I remember them releasing was “Jaded”.  I was going to write a few lines making fun of the lyrics, but the unintentionally hilarious Aspies of Wikipedia did it better than I could have:

Lyrical interpretation and song structure

The song’s lyrics are about a girl who is “jaded”, and how the relationship the narrator has with the girl is sometimes “complicated”, but repeatedly claims that “I’m the one that jaded you.”

The song features jangling guitars, a danceable drum beat and bass rhythm, memorable, repeated choruses and bridges, and the repeated use of the word “jaded”.

I have to admit that “Big Ones” was one of the first CDs I owned, along with “Nirvana Unplugged in New York” and Weird Al “Off The Deep End.”  When looking back I like to think that my interest in Aerosmith was more centered around Alicia Silverstone in the videos then the music itself.  After the age of 14 Aerosmith went largely ignored by me. I would hear it on the radio or in the soundtracks of terrible movies, but I never really thought about it. I didn’t enjoy the music, but I didn’t hate it either. I just didn’t notice. Sort of like how I don’t notice the sewage stench in certain neighborhoods of Chicago unless I’ve been out of town for a few weeks.

After I started thinking about how much Aerosmith sucked, I checked out the wikipedia page.  As I read through the song list, I couldn’t figure out if I don’t remember what most of their songs sound like, or if they all sound the same when I replay them in my head.  I just repeated the name of the song over and over to the music of “Crazy” and it seemed right to me.  Writing an Aerosmith song seems to be mostly about coming up with the title, as the name will make up at least 50% of the lyrics.  Just for fun, I’ll include another Wikipedia lyrical interpretation:

Lyrical interpretation

The song’s lyrics are about an unfaithful woman who comes and goes, whose “crazy ways” drive the narrator “crazy.”

My point: I’m starting to think Aerosmith was my generation’s Nickelback.  They released album after album of shitty songs that all sounded the same, but no one under 20 seemed to notice how awful their music was.  Often times the older generation doesn’t get the music of young people, but this is not the case with these bands.  This is less like older people fearing the Beatles and more like older people not wanting to listen to Kidz Bop 16.

I would like to apologize to those over 40 for Aerosmith.  In return, I hope to some day get an apology for Nickelback from all people currently under 22.

NOTE: “Dream On” was an alright song, but was released a decade before most of Aerosmith’s shittastic music.  Bringing it into the argument is like citing “I Just Walked In To See What Condition My Condition Was In” in a debate about Kenny Rogers(Who IS awesome and could knock out every dude in Aerosmith with one roundhouse punch, by the way).

This picture is as minimally related to the post as possible.

Alliterative post titles are popular among blogs that are written by narcissistic and unimaginative hacks. Since I have posted nothing in nearly a year, I thought I would get in on that shit.

Example: Things I Love Thursdays, through my 35 seconds of google research seems to have been created by some weird looking chick named Gala Darling. On Thursdays she writes about how much she loves jingly bracelets, cupcakes, and having the only men who think she is attractive be flaming homosexuals.

We are supposed to believe her blog pays for her international playgirl lifestyle, when in reality she has wealthy parents who pay for it all of her flights and shopping sprees.  Oh yeah, she legally changed her name to fucking Gala Darling because she wanted a name that was as weird as her face.

Sadly her “Things I love Thursdays” schtick seems to have been lovingly replicated on every vapid chick blog I run across.  They are all horrible and I knew I could do better, so here is my own ONE TIME ONLY VERSION.(NOTE: THIS IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY UNLESS YOU CHECKED OUT THE LINK ABOVE)

Informing the people I’m eating sushi with that the “Super White Tuna” they like is actually escolar and banned from consumption in Japan because it causes oily orange diarrheaThe obese minority woman losing her kid on every episode of Huntington Beach Ocean ForcePBRSniffing my underwear and deciding it is “Just clean enough”Big ol’ bootiesWhen someone prefaces a conversation with: ‘I’m not gay or anything, but”, “I’m not racist or anything, but” or ‘This is completely legal”When I applied for a job as a PA on the Jerry Springer show and the website asked me if I had ever been a program manager of a contract with Department of Defense  over $10 millionThrowing sand at seagullsCupcakesThe perpetual domestic dispute that has occurred in the neighboring apartment of everywhere I have lived since 2006Eating tuna straight from the can with my fingersRefusing to flush my pee after eating asparagusMy Xbox 360 surviving until just after the warranty expires, forcing me to repair it myself so I don’t have to pay Microsoft $100 to fix their poorly designed productIt is gross when people make out in public, but if they are fucking, bystanders watch intently and record it with their cell phonesGuessing the ethnicity of the guy in front of me on the train based on the amount of hair on the back of his neckThe glowing first review of Serial: Amoral Uprising where the dude said that the acting was “Better than he expected” and not further elaboratingNever having to read that Gala Darling drivel again, because I’m done with this cheap joke.

The first status update I saw was from my friend Justin saying that he “is having internet problems once every few minutes.” I clicked “Like” and chuckled to myself.

I continued through the statuses, looking for more update to like ironically. Harmless fun, really. Matt Darst’s cat had a new update:

I didn’t feel bad, it’s just a gimmick profile by a man who supposedly doesn’t have enough time to complete the post production on a movie that he finished filming 2 years ago. I’m pretty sure his cat didn’t have a job in the first place.

I kept going through the status updates and searching the funniest things for me to like, again, nothing that horrible, but getting progressively distasteful. Here are some examples:

I admit the last one was a little rough.  But I wasn’t satisfied.  I had a thirst that needed to be quenched and I wouldn’t know where the line was until I crossed it.  I started looking deeply through my friends wall histories.  I found one from Matt Darst during the ice storm to gleefully like:

I laughed maniacally at my own sick joke.  He has a wife and cat at home for god’s sake.

I couldn’t stop.

I would like to say that was the line for me, mocking a friend’s realization of his own mortality.  I would say it if it weren’t a lie.  It was my favorite “like” yet.

For a man like myself that mainly uses social networking sites to harass his friends, I have to say that this may be my favorite recent Facebook feature.  The novelty is probably going to be there for a while.  I simply need to remind myself to stay off of Facebook whenever anyone has a relative die.

I like liking inappropriate things on Facebook, and I challenge everyone who reads this to do the same.  Feel free to paste your favorite example of ‘liking it’ in the comments section.

The reunion was glorious. The shorts were turning out awesome. Then, towards the end, things took a horrible turn for the worse.

I started talking in a ridiculous accent that fluctuated rapidly between Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Tony Danza, and one of Da Bears guys from SNL.

I became so enamored with this voice that I refused to speak in any other way.  This voice, originally meant only to speak thirteen words, took a life of its own and we parlayed it into an idea for a 10 minute mock infomercial.  We decided Justin Evangelista would be a great counterpart for the character and I had to act in a quick scene for him anyway, so the recruitment was easy.

Justin grabbed his lab coat, then he, Jack, and I ventured out to gather props.   Our first visit was a thrift shop where we grabbed some handsome glasses for Justin’s character and a shirt for mine that was 96% spandex, 4% nylon, and made the most disgusting noise I’ve ever heard when I peeled it apart to wear it.  This, by the way, was the first shirt I’ve ever owned that I had to peel apart to wear.  Justin, camera in hand as always, noticed a some shirts that reminded him of Matt Darst.  If you don’t know Matt, he directed The Dead Shall Rise, a movie that I acted in and is currently in post-production purgatory.  Justin snapped this picture of Jack and I with the shirts:

Jack and Carson Posing with the Darst Shirts

I was still speaking in my annoying accent, making sure to be heard by as many Ozarkians as possible and talking to every clerk and customer that walked by.  Once we left the DAV Thrift Store, Justin donned his old lady glasses and we all went to the grocery store across the street.  Justin decided to start speaking in a ridiculous accent that he claimed to be German, and Jack tried to pretend that he didn’t know us, which in turn caused me to constantly ask him questions about the way things work in the Ozarks.  I said “Thanks toots” to the cashier and we were on our way.  Justin and I continued to embarrassed Jack as we made our other stops.

Filming mostly consisted of me abusing Justin in various verbal and physical ways.  We got about an hour of footage of him talking nonsense that we will never be able to use in any way, but we had an awesome time doing it.  Eventually I drove him home and sang Christmas songs in my new dialect.  He recorded the entire thing.  I kept expecting to see it pop up on facebook and bring shame to my family.

The shame did come, but not in the way I expected.  Last night I noticed Justin had tagged me in the picture I posted earlier where I pointed at the Darst shirts.  I looked at it and was immediately horrified.  I had to fire up Photoshop to confirm my suspicion.

ShameWow!

I, completely on accident, was behaving like Vince Offer from the ShamWow! ads.  This is the only photographic evidence that I have, but I have to assume that I was doing this kind of thing the entire day.   An entire day I was walking around acting like Vince Offer.  Dozens, maybe hundreds of people saw me that day for the first and only time.  They saw me as Vince Offer.  ShameWow.

Artists are welcome to perform this song live as long as they credit me, Carson Jones.  Also probably credit John Denver as well.

Cat up on my shoulder

Cat pushes open my bathroom door when I’m sitting

Cat climbs up on the sink and meows “hi”

Cat climbs up on my shoulders when I’m pooping

Cat sees me poo into water and wonders why


If I had a way to let her know

I’d let her know why it is this way

If I had a way to show why this is how I poo

She’d stop being so confused today


Cat pushes open my bathroom door when I’m sitting

Cat climbs up on the sink and meows “hi”

Cat climbs up on my shoulders when I’m pooping

Cat sees me poo into water and wonders why


If I had a way to climb on her back

I’d sit on her in her kitty box

If I had way to not make her spine crack

I would sit on her and watch her poo like a hawk(s)


Cat pushes open my bathroom door when I’m sitting

Cat climbs up on the sink and meows “hi”

Cat climbs up on my shoulders when I’m pooping

Cat sees me poo into water and wonders why

Cat sees me poo into water and doesn’t know why

Cat sees me poo into water

Dedicated to my roommate’s cat Motley and all of the other shoulder cats of the world.